a b e - s t e r i a

Ti liubeesh papeenu pees'ku sassat'. Thomarai gand mai lund hai?. Zhopu porvu margala vikoliu. Otlez' gnida!! Otsosi, potom prosi.

Lets see if any of you can decipher the meaning of the above sentences. Have fun!

Here's an article I read in yesterday's edition of The Star. I thought it was really sweet and meaningful and I'd like to dedicate this to all of my friends especially those who are currently going through some rough patches in their lives.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirits alive

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye

For those who wish to read the full article, you can look up yesterday's Sunday Star in the StarMag section on page 23.

Happy Halloween to all of you trolls!

Woke up feeling dehydrated from all the drinking last night. Methinks me got quite drunk from all that beer and Black Label. Lets recap yesterday's events.

Steph was chilling out at my place pretty much the entire day and we were deciding with much pain and agony on what to wear for last night's Halloween party at Zouk, KL. The ORIGINAL plan with my friends was that we go as gothic school kids. You know, kids with school uniform and face made up to have never seen the light of day. Yeah, I know the idea's pretty old if not, lame and common. But then again, we didn't want to go too all out for fear we will look like a bunch of idiots. Little did we know, we ended up looking like a bunch of idiots anyway (Steph and I that is).

And so, the toiling process took about 2 hours to come to an end and we finally decided to go as Yin & Yang - me being all black and she being all white (we've already exhausted our ideas at this point). SO, screw it. We're gonna go like Yin & Yang gone wrong.

I'll skip all the details of the making up because it was too funny and let's just say I looked extremely bapuk at the preliminary stages. We got our hair and make up done and off we go to Zouk. On the way to our much anticipated party, panic struck us:


Shit. We were getting butterflies in our stomachs. We were shit scared. I wanted to go home. Steph wanted to pee in her pants. I wanted to go home. Mustering courage from the depths of my guts, I told ourselves,

"We've come this far! We must press on! Don't make eye contact with anyone! Just march straight in!"

Then Steph added, "Don't worry, Xavie's probably dressed worst than us".

I burst out laughing. After much self pep talk and motivating speeches, we parked our car. Another car approached. They were going to park next to us. I panicked. Steph panicked. They looked NORMAL. We passed Zouk to head for the car park and the people were NOT DRESSED UP! Oh God, we were about to cream in our pants. We can't back out now. We paid the macha RM10 wei. Waste of money. Sigh.

Abel: Steph!!! I want to go home!!! Nobody's dressed up! We look like fools!

Steph: I know! Why aren't these people dressed up?!

Abel: Ya la! Why aren't they in the mood of Halloween! Bodohs!

Steph: OK, quick take what we need from the car. Before they come out of the car and have a chance to see us, lets make a mad dash to Zouk now!

And so, with little motivation and strength to go on. We decided to just go for the party. After all, Xavie's dressed worst than us, right? To be continued...

(Intermission: Lunch with Steph today in Salak South. Gotta get ready and head out. Will continue after lunch hehe :p)

And we are back!

Had a hearty lunch at Fatty Mok Restaurant somewhere in Salak South. They serve really good Yong Tau Foo! Can barely walk now. So let's pick up from where we left off.

And so, we walked really fast to Zouk and I was trying my level best to live up to my make-up. I'm supposed to be dark and scary. Yes, tried so hard I almost popped a vein in my eyeballs. Steph and I were so panicky simply because we were not sure if our dressing was Halloween-ish enough. Will people think we look stupid and shouldn't have dressed up at all? These sort of questions didn't put our hearts at ease at all.

All of a sudden, Xavie pops out from nowhere and literally gave me a fright! She dressed up alright! But she looked so good! She looked scary enough to be at the party. She came as a umm.. Pontianak or something. Not really sure but she was scary. Equipped with fangs and freakish make-up, she was ready to put Ju-On to shame.

We made our way to the table and hell, it was a party in there! Steph and I immediately felt better as there were many who really went all out to dress up. There were gothic brides, pscyho killer maids, bloody mary and everything else the human mind can think of. Also, plenty of cross-dressers.

Here are some pictures to put your curiosity at ease:

Yup, Xavie looks scary doesn't she? I'll post more pictures at my Multiply website so you guys can have a look at what my camera saw.

After having some ass-pinching fun, Steph and I made our way for home. So we got to our car and by this time, we were quite alcoholised and didn't care about how silly we looked.

On the way home, we were quite glad that the nerve-wrecking night had ended and things weren't as bad as they seemed at first. But then, suddenly...


Oh sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph! This cannot be happening! I'm not worried about getting pulled to the side for having alcohol BUT FOR HAVING MAKE-UP ON!!!!! I swear, I wanted to cry and curl into a ball and just disappear. I was mortified. Came to our turn, the police officer signaled to bring down the window. *thump thump thump* goes my heart. He looked at me and asked, "Ini mau pigi mana?" and at the same time, HE GRINNED! He realised that I had my make-up on and just laughed to himself. I explained to him to the best of my abilities that we were on the way home. He laughed at my face and sent us on our way. *phew* Both of us heaved a sigh of relief. I was so afraid he was gonna ask us to get out of the car and go join a circus.

After all that, we finally got home in one piece and Steph helped to remove my make-up as I have absolutely no idea on how to do it. Having done that, I made my way for home sweet home.

And the rest, my friends, is history.

Had a fair bit of fun last night with Stephanie at Frangipani in Changkat Bukit Bintang. Wasn't as fun as anticipated but heck we managed to get through the night. Below are the faces of 2 people who woke up feeling dazed and bored after a night of incessant ramblings and too little beer:

Woke up to a rather beautiful morning. It felt like Malaysia just snowed and the air is all chilly. Not like I've ever experienced winter and all. Just thought it'd be a good description of how this morning was. Seb stayed over last night as he needed me to send him to KLIA to head back to Penang before he goes off on his trip to Europe with his family. His Royal Highness DEMANDED that he slept on MY bed while the host (me) slept on the ICY COLD FLOOR! ppffttt.

Dragged my ass to the shower and back to the room. As I was searching for decent clothes to put on, to my horror, the air-cond had leaked ALL OVER THE PLACE! The rug had soaked up excess water and the water has now spread to all over the floor! Oh no. This is going to take a long time to clean up. So, while having my towel wrapped around me, I tried with all my might and glory to salvage the items that got wet. Seb's clothes that were left nearby the crime scene became victim to the malicious leaky air-cond.

ARGH! Having to do chores in the wee hours of the morning isn't really my cup of tea. Since, resistance to the leaky bitch is futile, I decided to just dump more rags on it to soak up the excess water and just carry on with my daily life. Too bad. The hardest part of the early morning was waking His Majesty King Seb. He sleeps like a log! Grrr.

Having woken the Royal Log, we bertungkus-lumus to get ready to head for breakfast and then to the airport. I had to work too.

Since Seb was going to be leaving his car with me, I figured I should be driving him around in his car for a change so I can get used to it. Driving his car was a breeze as I adapt easily. However, his brakes somewhat worries me. They don't really work! Seb told me that emergency brakes are a big no-no. *gasp*

Damn. That means I can't speed. Bah. No fun.

Oh well. It's good that I get to drive Seb's car for 10 days or so. Yay. So, for the next 10 days, I have my OWN car! Muahahaha! Seb's gonna kick me when he reads this and I will anticipate his reply: YOI! (for the full effect, you HAVE to hear it)

I'd like to go on and on and fill you guys in on the remainder of the day but I have a date with Steph and Carlsberg / Tiger. Plus, I need to doll myself up before heading out. Who knows who I might meet tonight *grin*

Laters.

The three girls in my life who have been with me through my crap and nonsense. Thanks babes.

(L to R: Charmaine, Stephanie & Xaviera)

Shamelessly posing

Xavie, Queen of Dip Dop

As we were going thru the other female models, we happened to come across a model names Vlada. An interesting name, no? Thanks to that name, it became the word for the day and Xavie would scream 'VLADA!' on top of her lungs as if it were a word for "Hello".

Oopsie, dinner time. Will continue after I've filled my bottomless pit of a stomach.

Ahhh. All filled up and ready to go! Oh wait. Blood is rushing to my southern region of my body to do some massive digesting. Didn't really eat the whole day today.

So where were we? Oh yes, we left off at 'VLADA!'. After much laughing and giggling at our silly antics, I wanted to develop some photos for my supposed 'Wall Of Fame'. This bodes well with my Out-Of-The-Blue-Changes-In-My-Life Campaign. As posted previously, I went on a shopping rampage to revamp my room and my wardrobe and so, I wanted to have some pictures of my friends and some artistic works of mine on the wall where I can admire them. Hence, the IKEA picture frames I bought.

Off we went to the photo shop to develop the pictures and they turned out rather nicely. On the downside of it, they also printed the dates the pictures were taken and that kind of "tarnished" (fuyoh, such a strong way of putting it) the pics. Oh well, paid RM14 for it so I'm not gonna re-develop them on account of my idiosyncrasies.

Having developed the pictures, we made our way to Taylor's College in Subang Jaya to meet Shahreen who wanted to interview me for a project she's doing for her Sociology class. The topic? Homosexuality. Coming out from the car, I was anticipating questions and mentally preparing myself to answer. Then, it dawned upon me:

I'm representing the gay community!

Gays all over the world are depending on me to shed light on a much misunderstood community!

I must not disgrace them!

Oh the burden!

With my lips quivering, we made our way to the table where Shahreen and her group were waiting. I felt like I was an honoured guest and the Royal Family of England was going to greet me. Haha don't I love being dramatic! As if. I did feel somewhat special though :p.

Having a pile of surveys conducted for her project, I asked Shahreen if I could have a read at them. After reading some comments, I can only say one thing: IT WAS DISGUSTINGLY APPALLING! I was shocked to see the number of shallow minded people in TAYLOR'S COLLEGE! These people who have done the survey clearly do NOT understand what homosexuality is but have the odesity to tick 'YES' to a question that asked if they understood what homosexuality is all about. Even more disturbing, there was a guy who wrote, "I will kill any gays / homosexuals..." when asked what their reaction would be if they saw gay couples displaying affections in public (ie holding hands etc). I find this extremely disturbing and from the replies that I read, they clearly hate homosexuals and want nothing to do with them. Some have even gone further to say that homosexuals are the ones to be blamed for diseases such as AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Is this really the social culture we want to live in where hate is encouraged? I must say that I am shocked to learn that even in this era - the 21st Century, there are people who are uneducated and shallow. Mind you, these people interviewed were not grandpas and grandmas. They were 18 year olds! However, Shahreen's other guy friends joined us much later and did the very same survey without knowing that a homosexual was present among them. Sorta like a wolf in a sheep's clothing. When I read their comments and remarks, I was surprised that they were very aware of what homosexuality is really about and provided sensible feedback. I'm not saying this because I'm gay therefore I prefer their replies. NO. In some of their replies, they did mention that they are afraid that gays may make sexual advances towards them and hence, making them uncomfortable hanging out with gays.

I can understand the common fear of homosexuals from a heterosexual's point of view but what I do not understand is the rage and anger some people have against homosexuals. I do admit that there are some bad apples within the gay community who have made us look bad but hey, we get bad apples everywhere in society - be it heterosexuals OR homosexuals. People fear what they do not understand. That's true. But it does not make it right to hate someone just because they are gays. Imagine if society hated you just because you have that type of nose or that type of face. Some may argue that this example is not the same with gays but my point is, the bottomline is that YOU DO NOT HATE SOMEONE FOR BEING WHO THEY ARE!

I could go on and on about the mentality of uneducated and shallow-minded people but that would take forever to write. I hope that you guys who read this will make an effort to understand a gay person and his / her life before making such harsh, rude and insensitive accusations as mentioned above by nudniks who only behave as if the world should revolve around their pathetic good-for-nothing lives.

*Yawn* *Stretch*

It's a lovely Thursday morning and everything looks serene. The birds are singing and the cars are honking. Ahh, what a morning.

Woke up with a heavy thumping in my head. Still recovering from fever. I'm thinking of seeing the doctor today to get some meds for my flu. I really ought to. Plus, throat has been sore for the past 2 days and it's really not fun.

Xavie's probably on the way to pick me up for breakfast now. Also, made plans with Jeff to meet up with us for breakfast. Guess I gotta go shower and get ready. I know, my posts seem to be getting shorter and shorter. But hey, it takes time for me to think and construct sentences :)

I'll blog more on today's events later. May have to go to work today if my fever subsides. See how it goes.

yes, i hate leaky air-conds. i have now 2 rugs stacked up just to absorb the water. i also have a small bucket to contain the water droplets but i CANNOT sleep with the sound of the water dripping. argh! i tried it last night and it was torture. to temporarily stop the dripping, i gave the whole air-cond a good banging to let all the water out from wherever it was being collected. then i went to bed. minutes later, i heard a mini waterfall in my room and that drove me crazy. so, what i did was i just removed the bucket and allowed the water to drip onto the rug i had beneath the bucket and HELL it was so much better! at least the rug absorbed the water AND the noise. then i slept like a baby.

mom has informed dad about the amazing mini waterfall in kelana jaya and the repair guy will be coming tomorrow (hopefully) to fix it. meanwhile, i have one more night of bloops and blops. bah.

yup. its just one of them days. woke up this morning only to be greeted with fever and sore throat. pssh.

took an mc so i can rest at home. contrary to popular belief by some, i AM sick and i am NOT pretending to be sick just so i can skip work today. i may hate my job but i'm honest (or at least try to be :P).

so since i'm going to be at home, i'm gonna take it easy and rest. will try to update more later.

Day was pretty alright and work was ok. Boss wasn't that much of a bitch. Thank goodness. Else, I'd kick him in the nuts.

For some strange reason, I've apparently disappeared from the face of the earth to some people. My bro's girlfriend Ivy sent me an sms saying that I've gone missing LOL! I know, I know I've been greatly missed by many since I started working ROFL. I'm so conceited. But yeah, I do feel it too. Ever since I started this job, I've fallen out of touch with many and things have taken a drastic turn for me. My life has been very restricted by my boss and it really does annoy me. At night, before I go to sleep, I often think and reflect on how my life has changed. I do miss "me". Sigh. Oh well, I'm sure things will look up in no time. Hari Raya and Deepavali are coming and the festive mood and spirit will help change things, I hope.

My air-cond is leaking.

Bah. Took so long to stop the leak. There's now a bucket beneath it in case it leaks again =_=

I suddenly forgot what I wanted to post. LOL. Guess this post will have to wait until I remember :P

Oh. In case you were wondering about the title, I did some "game" whereby you follow some instructions and then getting to the end result that's either funny or stupid. So this particular one had something to do with names and how you get your funny ass "new" name. So yeah, it turns out I'm Mr Crusty Pottyshorts :P

*YAWN*

another day has begun and as usual, having my morning ciggy while typing this entry. as usual, i'm dreading to go to work today and the worst part of it is that its going to be one hell of a long day cos i've got dinner with the boss. i'm getting so sick and tired with these dinners.

work starts at 11AM today and therefore i'm taking my time to get ready and what not. i've a feeling that there wont be much work for me to do today but as usual, i'm on standby until something needs doing. this job is really draining me dry.

last night i met up with hogs (left) and charmaine (right) for yum char at syed bistro ss3. it was a lovely wet monday night and the air was cooling (though charmaine and i got wet running to and from the car). nothing much exciting happened last night. just had a drink and we made our way home.

for some reason, i was feeling kind of down last night. perhaps its due to the fact that i'm very much fed up with my work and everything else. the thought of quitting has raced through my mind over and over. the thought of seeing his face is enough for me kill to cat. he's arrogant, self-absorbed and disrespectful. the thing is, he CAN be be nice if he wants to but he'd rather be a mean mofo. just so you guys know, i'm not quitting because i'm spoilt or lazy or anything. when it comes to work, i would find the joy in working - whatever job it is. i'm a good employee and i'd do my job the best to my abilities. however, with this boss of mine, he simply robs me of ANY joy in working with him. the job is fine. its just HIM.

*sigh*

i'm just praying that today will go as quickly as it came. i'm not sure how long i can hang in there with my boss.

man, for the past 2 days, it has been rather tiring for me. why? been shopping like a bimbo on heat haha! lets go over yesterday's agenda.

as usual, i woke up at 9AM and groggily had my morning ciggy. made plans the previous night with seb to go for lunch and then to IKEA to get some stuff for my room. jeff messaged me to ask if i wanted to go for breakfast and YAY, being the greedy pig that i am, i agreed. got ready and jeff picked me up and we made our way to SS2 dim sum.

the dim sum wasnt bad. was kinda disappointed as they didnt have my steamed pork ribs with black beans. yum. i love that. instead, they had steamed pork ribs with chilli which, wasnt that bad.

came home from breakfast and waited for seb to arrive. around 1 something, he picked me up and we made our way to pick jeff up from his place to head to mutiara damansara to meet another friend, jarrod.

arrived at mutiara damansara and parked in The Curve. you can always trust The Curve to have ample parking spaces as opposed to IKEA. we had some food and drinks at Secret Recipe in The Curve. i had their lovely chocolate brownie with ice-cream. god, it was orgasmic. i've yet to learn to make brownies on my own.

we made our way to IKEA via IKANO and god, IKEA was PACKED with people as if it were a night market. there were soooo many people in IKEA. i'm sure those who know me are going to to be shocked when they read this. know why? i dont go to shopping complexes on weekends. heck, i hardly go shopping.

one thing that never changes with IKEA is that you meet gay couples left, right and centre. you'd find them couples choosing beds, sofas and kitchen wares for their wedding lol. its kinda cute, really. IKEA is one public place (other than Liquid, Frangipani etc) that i know where gay couples openly show their affection for each other (no, i dont mean they kiss and hug etc). some actually do hold hands or have one of their hands in the back pocket of his partner. kinda sweet.

ofcourse, you have your regular heterosexual couples with their entire family picking out an entire kitchen. they'd yell to each other from one end to another. then, the bride-to-be or new wife will scuttle over to her mother-in-law (or to be) with a pattern she found to see if it matches the kitchen sink. thats pretty normal i guess.

going thru my bimbo-shopping phase, i too, was running up and down looking at lamps, rugs and mirrors and just about everything to see what i can buy to make my room nicer. poor seb had to push the cart and hold the shopping bags hehe. we basically spent the whole day in IKEA.

after much walking and near death experiences with kids who no longer use their corneas to see where they're going, we made our way back to jeff's place to chill and wait for dinner. jeff cooked last night wheee! i love his food. and yes, we had his sambal belacan again! yummmm. too bad my stomach wasnt feeling all that good so i couldnt eat much :(

watched a movie after dinner which was pretty cool. one of those creative gay themed movies about a chinese boy who was thrown out of the house by his father for being gay. quite touching in a way.

made our back home to my place and seb helped me to set up my room. yay! i'm kinda hopeless when it comes to decorating so he helped my put up the mirror i bought from IKEA and everything else.

by the time we were done, we were both so damn tired from the whole day's agenda. seb went home and i relaxed for a bit in my room before knocking out.

a day well spent, i'd say. for once, i'm making effort to make my room more pleasant :)

ps: i'll post the pics of my newly revamped room when i get the time to do so. right now, gotta go get showered and get ready for work.

This is what it looked like AFTER clearing. Helluva lot neater.

and the clothes i put away for Salvation Army..

Yup, it's a big bag of clothes.

somehow, i have a feeling that the people at Salvation Army will be rudely shocked as i've also put away umm undergarments that i no longer want to use and lets just say they're not for conservative people :P

lets start with yesterday's belated post:

yesterday was alright i guess. nothing much happened. due to alcohol last night, i have problems recalling yesterday's events.


ah yes. as the blood oozes out of my ears, i can now remember vaguely what happened. LOL. i remember xabey-the-babey-is-a-pervay and her cousin, shahreen came over way too early in the morning for breakfast. yup, xavie called me at 7:50 in the MORNING to ask if i wanted to go for breakfast. my mom took the call and since i slept downstairs on the couch (see Sombre), mom woke me up for the call. dragged my groggy ass and blanket to answer xavie's ungodly-time-of-the-day call. all i can remember from that conversation was that she wanted to have breakfast and she'd pick me up at 8:30AM. i agreed. after making that half-asleep decision, i hauled myself back onto the couch to continue my much interrupted snoozee. the minute i touched the couch, i was warped back into slumber land. at approximately 8:20AM (i actually remember looking at the clock), i APPARENTLY called xavie from my handphone. this was what happened:

Please note that xavie sounded EXTREMELY manja and soft spoken throughout the conversation:

Me: Hello?
Xavie: Hello.
Me: Where are you now?
Xavie: I just got home from sending my mom to work.
Me: Eh? I thought you were going to pick Shahreen up?
Xavie: Ya, Shahreen's already here in my house.
Me: Oh ok lah. So, you wanna go for breakfast?
Xavie: You want? Anything lah. It's ok if you want to sleep. I can eat bread at home.

(WTF? Xavie wants to eat bread?!)

Me: Uh but I thought you said you wanted to have breakfast?
Xavie: Ya I did but if you need to sleep, it's ok. I can have bread at home.
Me: Uhh umm.. ok lah you leave your house now. I go get ready.
Xavie: Okay (almost singing)

obviously, i did NOT go get ready. suddenly, i woke up as if someone shoved a pole up my ass and looked at the clock. FUCK! its 8:45AM! i was struck with panic.

Did xavie come and go?
Is she pissed at me for not waking up and getting ready?
Oh my god, oh my god.

without thinking, i quickly called her. unlike the previous "conversation" xavie sounded her usual self (brutal and heartless HAHAHAHA! you know i love you, babe) :P

Me: (panicking) Did I talk to you just now?!?!
Xavie: (confused) Uhh.. no. I was about to unlock my phone to call you.
Me: Oh, where are you now?
Xavie: I'm in Bangsar now on the way to your place.
Me: Ok ok I go get ready now. Call me when you're here.
Xavie: Ok.

yup, i dreamt my previous bread-eating conversation. HELL it felt so real. i even remember waking up to look at the friggin clock!! geez.

i made a mad dash upstairs to my room and grabbed my towel and headed for the bathroom. had a ciggy in the bathroom (smoking after waking up is my daily ritual) and quickly took my shower. after that, quickly head to my room to change. lo and behold, xavie has arrived at my gate. wow, isnt she a speed demon. and so, we headed out for lunch to our usual joint - The Babi Shop as it is now called.

after breakfast, we headed back to my place where we would be doing stupid things and laughing at stupid things. poor shahreen was dragged into all the madness. and then, i made the mistake of showing xavie my downloaded season 2 of Desperate Housewives. after much squealing like rat on crack, she watched it. needless to say, she got totally absorbed into it. and so, i made myself busy by cleaning up my room and organising my stuff (its super neat and tidy now). moments later, seb said he'd join us for lunch and was already nearby. by then, i had to tear xavie away from susan mayer, bree van der kamp, lynette scavo and danielle solis just so we could go have lunch.

and sooo, we had lunch at hup soon ss3 and then came back to my place to hang once again and the bodohness resumed. but this time, we had an additional victim - seb. poor dude had to see the ugly side of me and xavie.

thats pretty much the highlight of yesterday's agenda and the rest is history. i could go on till what happened at night but that could take forever and i'm sure some of you are already half asleep or just didnt bother to read the whole thing haha!

another easy going day for me, thank god. not much work today. basically helped da boss to shred some unwanted documents and uhh.. thats it! haha! after such a "grueling" task, i headed out for lunch at jalan batai and also to ta pau the infamous char kuey teow for the boss. after lunch, he and i watched the funeral of the late Datin Paduka Seri Endon who passed away this morning at 7:55am in putrajaya. the telecast lasted for more than 3 hours.

after much of the sombre scenes on tv, i headed back home to shower and get ready for dinner with jeff at his place. whee! he cooked! and boy did he cook! there were only 3 of us having dinner and he cooked 5 dishes. needless to say, being the pig that i am, i enjoyed everything and shamelessly added more food onto my plate. greedy me. oh oh and his sambal belacan RAWKED! man it tasted so good, i kept on adding it *blush*. so tak malu. having filled my bottomless pit of a belly, jeff and i watched a chinese movie called White Dragon. not sure if any of you have watched it but it was ok. nothing much to shout about. its a kung-fu show fused with modern humour. too modern actually. the whole backdrop of the movie was supposedly chinese villagey sort a thing. you know, fong sai yuk-ish. then out of nowhere, u see a "starbucks" coffee house. quite bodoh but fun at the same time.

thats pretty much my day. oh yeah. 2 family priests are visiting and so, i gave up my room for tonight. i'm right now able to type this entry cos one of them (the one bunking in my room) is not back yet. so i'm to finish this post asap and quickly get my stuff before i get stuck. psssh. damn, that means i cant surf for porn tonight. lol! :P

YAWN

man, such a lovely weather to be sleeping in. its early in the morning and its raining! what a lovely cooling atmosphere to be sleeping. but noooo, work calls and i'm pretty sure my day's going to be crappy with my boss annoying me today. just last night he called me and said some things that annoyed the living crap out of me. *sigh*.

again, i'm consolling myself that its only up to the end of the year. every morning i wake up i dread going to work simply because he annoys me so. this saturday, my family and i are going to go see a house that my bro wants to buy so we can decide as a family. so basically, i asked him if he needed me this saturday for work. next thing i knew, he starts on rambling about how its a waste of time going to see the house bla bla bla. like, WHAT THE FUCK?! obviously if theres work this saturday, i'd have to work but must he bitch about it?! who the fuck does he think he is? if he needed me, then say so. no need to bitch about my family.

this isnt the first time he has done this. few weeks back, i had to attend a funeral in malacca. obviously, i was grieving and mourning the loss. he calls me up (while i was in malacca) and asked when i'll be coming back and i said, the next day. and he goes, "ok, better get some work done". yup thats all he ever cares about. attending the funeral is considered a waste of time! JESUS CHRIST! doesnt he have ANY feelings at all? there was once where he said that people treated him like he has no feelings at all. WOW REALLY? i almost wanted to tell him that people treat him the way they do is simply because HE behaves like he doesnt have any. period. he treats me with no respect for my feelings nor my family.

why do you think i want to quit? he's so emotionally stunted its AMAZING! alert the press! call Ripley's Believe It Or Not!!

whee. easy-going day for me. woke up, had a pretty long conversation with mom. nothing much - just chit chatting about stuff and laughing about silly things. got myself ready headed out for brunch with seb. also, made an appointment to see the dentist.

came back home and watched a bit of Oprah about people suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) ie people who think they are deformed freaks of nature but in actual fact, they are normal-looking and some, very good looking. it was quite sad since these people actually look beautiful but they hate themselves as they think they are hideous. there was this one guy, Jesse, who i swear can be a model. he's got the height and definitely the looks. he was so beautiful! pretty, in fact! but its sad to hear that he's suffering from BDD and how he's been living with it. some of these ppl actually try to "correct" the "wrong" features of their faces/bodies but SELF SURGERY!! *shock* *horror*. some are more compulsive than the rest who go all out to be under the knife of a plastic / cosmetic surgeon. scary. there was one snippet during the show where they showed this woman who had a compulsive behaviour of scratching her acne out from her face but she really has NONE! to stop herself from doing it, she cuts the tips of her fingers so she wont do it! man, this sorta thing is NOT funny. some have actually tried committing suicide simply because they are "hideous and cannot blend in" with society. truly saddening.

after much shock and horror about BDD, i made my way to the dentist. i was scheduled for a check up (wisdom tooth is being a biatch and a half) as well as scaling and polishing. needless to say, the dentist was disappointed with the condition of my teeth *blush*. yeap, thanks to Dunhill, my teeth are their headquarters. geez the amount of tar stain on my teeth is enough to produce a carton of cigarettes. so, the dentist proceeded with the scaling and polishing. i think she was so irritated with the condition of my teeth, she showed NO MERCY when scaling and polishing my teeth. i think a little bit of pee came out as she vigorously attempted to break all of my teeth with that uhh, umm.. tool of hers. finally, the knuckle-whitening ordeal ended and i was allowed to rinse the blood out of my mouth (graphic, isnt it?). then, she proceeded to advise me the effects of smoking etc. the good thing is, my teeth are all sparkly clean now! wheeee! i can smile tanpa was was.

i guess the highlight of my day was the dentist visit. after getting my gums wounded in the process at the dentist, made my way home and mom was just telling me they have dinner plans and if i wanted her to fry rice. meh. dont feel like having fried rice. any of you wanna have dinner with me?

after spending much time revamping my blog, i guess its safe to say that i'm very close to completing it. as you can see, i've added some new/old features from my previous templates and i'm pretty happy with myself lol!

i actually forgot how fun it is to blog and ramble about things that dont matter. at this present moment, i've not had my brunch but i've made plans with steph to have brunch together after her class. my boss rang me up to say that he will be having a meeting at 3pm with RM and therefore, i go to work much later if not at all.

i hope you guys will find your visits here pleasant and enjoy the features i've readded. time for me to make myself useful and actually get some work done.

l8rs.

bah! trying to figure this stupid thing out. the haloscan comment cant seem to override the blogger comment.

EDIT: OMG FINALLY! after much pain and hair pulling, i've finally manage to override the blogger comment link whateva crap that was and replace it with haloscan. it took me a good 1 hour to figure out the coding etc. not bad for a HTML illiterate like myself :P

morning has finally come. just woke up and as usual, trying to be fully awake sitting in front of my computer and typing this entry while having a ciggy. hmm plans for today. not too sure of whats happening yet. i only go to work after lunch as boss has a lunch appointment with someone. so i've got the morning all to myself for today.

*yawn*

guess i'm gonna take it easy this morning and try to get some studying done before meeting the boss later. plus, i'm trying to psyche myself not to feel crappy about everything else. been feeling down for as long as i can remember. i hate it when i'm in my depressed mood and hate it more that i'm so weak to just overcome it. so i'm tryng to psyche my mind that everything will be alright and that things will work out for the best and count my blessings bla bla bla. i guess i should be thankful that this time around, i can sleep at night as opposed to my previous wave of depression where i couldnt sleep and had to take pills just to knock me out. even with pills, it took me helluva long time to doze off.

i'm now figuring who i shall i call for breakfast / lunch. most of my friends now are either sleeping, puasa-ing, having classes or working. damn. its so hard to call them out these days. i'm gonna scroll thru my phone book to pick an unfortunate victim muahahaha.

yeah i changed my template yet again. and yeah, i "stole" stephanie's template muahahahaha! wasnt too happy with the previous one. plus, this template allows me to have the comment thingie automatically put in for me cos i had problems inserting HALOSCAN comment provider into my template. looks convenient but the automated comments thingie actually spams me. i've received "comments" that are actually spams!! just when you think its safe to come out into the cyberworld again. psssh!

dinner with the boss was alright (surprisingly) tho i was kinda bored. didnt have much to do and my mind's a mess the whole time. yeah, pretty distracted with a lot of things. i'm so afraid i'll just go whacko one day haha! then you guys would have to visit me in a mental institution.

my bro's gf, ivy, suggested that i call the befrienders!! bwahaha! i burst out laughing upon hearing that. its so weird to call up some agency and tell TOTAL strangers about ur problems and expecting them to understand and help you. i've tried calling the Pink Triangle once a long time back and the guy on the other end of the line sounded more depressed than me. obviously, i hung up before i committed suicide on his account LOL!

seb suggested that i think about seeking professional help seriously. i dont know. i mean, what guarantee do i have that i'll be better? i've gone thru therapy once in 1999/2000 and it didnt work out that well. the therapist was quite nonsensical and suggested weird things that was totally irrelevant to the problems i was having then. guess thinking about it wouldnt really hurt.

its getting late. guess i should pen off now and continue tomorrow. ho hum.

Woke up feeling more tired than when I first entered bed
So many hows and whys going through my head
My little white friends calling out to me
With hopes that they will somehow make me see

One, Two and Three were lucky to be picked
Glad they were not just for kicks
Round and round the three of them went
Without a trace and definitely without a scent

Four through Ten sat in the yellow bus waiting for time
Hoping that somehow I would make them mine
Day by day, they still call out my name
For some reason, this poem seems lame

Lame or not this poem might be
Its not one that one would scream with glee
My little white friends are new in my circle
They’ve made me somewhat able to utter a giggle

Cross my heart and hope to die
Waiting for death to stare me in the eyes
I’ve come to the crossroad of sanity
Its not one I’ve come to for popularity

A hollow empty shell, I have become
Both darkness and me have become one
Consumed in its fiery death my heart is
For some reason, I felt temporary bliss

Prior to the this work of mine, a poem I wrote
About a hill where little Billy’s blood was soaked
Billy stared into the eyes of his demons of despair
Merged into one, Billy and I now share

Into the deadly gaze of Billy’s pupils we met
His shadows ghostly walk my walls to forget
In dreams Billy appeared with a smile so sweet
Surprised himself that we should finally meet

A painted smile appeared underneath Billy’s cracked lips
Every crack revealing a bloody secret so deep
Billy stretched out his hands to hold onto mine
His grip getting tighter with passing time

In dreams he comforted me and held me close
Alas, he is nothing more but a ghost
“Don’t forget Four through Ten”, Billy said
His words chillingly rang out coldly in my head

The yellow bus made its way to my home
Four through Ten held out to me a tome
‘The Finale’ written on the sheets of flesh
Its spine made from bones grinded into a mesh

Round and round Four through Ten went
Without a trace and definitely without a scent
Ladies and gentlemen, come out from the back
For the grand finale, a noose around the neck

14th July 2005

got back from work early today yay! met up with xabey the babey for lunch at our usual spot (da pork mee joint) and had a really loooong lunch / yum char session. as always, we end up talking about irrelevant issues and crap that doesnt affect our lives.

tho i got off work early today, its not without a price. i have to have dinner with da boss later in the evening. heck i'm supposed to be getting ready to go as it is already 5pm. but i'm just procrastinating and being lazy. i cant even play my game - lineage 2. those who are curious as to what the game's all about, let me know and i'll fill you in on how to play.

(lights a cigarette)

back to the story of my unconventionally conventional life. for the past 7 months or so, i've been pretty much on an emotional rollercoaster ride. that is to say, my downs are more than my ups. yes i do think about giving up all the time. i mentally tell myself that everything will be alright and that things will work out one day. a very good friend of mine - stephanie made a very good statement: "One day we'll all go without getting what we wanted". i think thats very true. we all often perceive life the way it should be and therefor we all strife to get it - sometimes NO MATTER what it takes. we push ourselves beyond our limits and boundaries just to see if we can really get it. question remains, what do we do after we've achieved it? the answer to that would probably be setting another goal for which we will want to strife for. will it be enough and sufficient for us? no. we humans will never be satisfied with what we have and thus pushing ourselves further to gain more.

no matter how hard we try to be 'just content' with what we have, we subconsciously place ourselves in another battle of achievement. be it that dress you saw at megamall even after getting that RM177 outfit from FCUK that you've been saving up for or even trying to change your partner's behaviour even though it took you more than a year to finally bend him/her to your will. truth is, we want a lot MORE than what we actually need. as for me, being single now is rather difficult. to be perfectly honest, i've been so used to having someone that i dont know how to be single. perhaps i am insecure. reason for my insecrutiy? i dont know. my heart is set on one person but at this present moment, that someone cant be with me as the circumstances are rather difficult for the both of us.

everyday, i think about him. how he's faring and all. yup, he pre-occupies my mind to a very large extent. he has become my motivation to do well in a lot of things. at this present moment, i try not to annoy him by texting or calling him for i know that may push him further away and thats what i dont want to do. its very complicated for the both of us - especially for him. i try not to complicate matters further.

*sigh*

yup, i'm one helluva pandora's box. lotsa shit and frills. i'm just grateful that i have good friends around me who once in a while manage to keep me sane from my already insane life.

ps: i'll try to update my site as soon as i can. as you can see, i've still not figured out my comment thingie and links to other sites such as other bloggers. do bear with me.

bah. eyes cant open. its early in the morning and trying to be fully awake. so i'm blogging and having a ciggy at the same time.

*yawn*

i actually woke up a couple of times - once at 4am and another at 8am. why? bloody hell, was having nightmares and didnt dare to go back to sleep. if you've read my previous posts, i tend to have LOADS of weird / gory / nasty / scary / unpleasant dreams.

too bad i cant really remember them. there were a total of 3 parts to my nightmare. 1 was about my work and someone was trying to kill us bla bla. had one scene where we had 2 friends who went into a "sacred" tunnel to obtain something. in that tunnel there was a river-like stream but its not water, but oil. yeah, minyak masak cap buruh lol. soo, me and my group went back to the tunnel-like place to see if the other 2 guys had obtained the stuff and to our horror, we saw them floating (can someone really float on oil?) - dead. their bodies were pretty much mangled and disturbingly twisted. they were like, a message from the group who wanted us dead. dont ask me who they are, i dont know. its a stupid nightmare. cant really remember what happened after that. this is the gory part of my nightmare.

the second part was about Mr. X, which stems from my depression i guess. you know how dreams are our subconscious mind hidden deep beneath everything else. so yeah, i've been dreaming a lot about him and stuff.

the third part was rather weird. cant really remember much. just about church stuff and i was arguing with one of the church members. quite bodoh actually.

*sigh*

least to say, i woke up feeling much disturbed. now i'm just thinking about work and i feel crappy about it. thinking about seeing my boss is enough to irritate me. seb told me to quit and i do want to. however, i'm to work till the end of year only and thats how i've been consoling myself. i'm just afraid that i'll explode and kill everything in my path.

well, i'm off to shower and get my ass to work. i'll update again later. you guys have a wonderful monday. cheers!

phew.. had a pretty relaxed day today. thankfully it rained and the weather was divine. woke up around 9:30am (thanks to jeff's phone call) and dragged my lazy ass to the bathroom to shower. having done that, dragged my lazy showered ass to change then headed out for brunch with jeff.

this must be my first PLEASANT sunday with the weather being perfect and all. i swear, malaysia will have snow soon. boy, was it cold out. seeing that i have very little fat to provide insulation, i was close to shivering along the bandar utama centre point walkways. had quite a hearty brunch with jeff and as usual, over-ordered and couldnt finish our food. we're so gonna burn in hell for wasting food.

oopsie, seb's here to pick me up for dinner! be back in a jiffy to continue :P

(CONTINUED below)

Shit Happens

ahh finally home after a long and lengthy dinner. it was my first time at Naili's Place in Sentul. damn, that place is beautiful! i'd really like to go back there again. i'd rate an 8/10 for its design and layout.

both of us were soooo hungry, we over-ordered yet again. sigh, we ate till the point we couldnt move. thankfully, we called some of his friends over to help us finish the food. after some ciggies and exchanged small talks, we made for our way home. by this time, we could've just fallen asleep standing up.

took a rather slow drive back home to allow our lil tummies to digest. poor things, after having all that food, this is a major overdrive. bet i'm gonna get indigestion tomorrow. crud.

*yawn*

yup, feeling really sleepy. i've got work tomorrow and i've to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed by 8:45am. work starts at any time before 10:30am. sweet eh? sweet as it may be, i've been bitching a LOT about my job to my friends. if only i could express my frustration and anger in words. it'd pretty much be like this:

(bleep) my (bleep) job! everything's so (bleep) up! the (bleep) doesnt seem to understand any (bleep) (bleep)!!!!

sigh.

another thing new (or old) about me is that my depression is back with a vengeance. seems like my happy facade isnt working anymore. i think i need to seek professional help. i feel its getting worst. i've just realised that since i've started writing poems of my feelings (started in 2000), i'm a very depressed person. just take a look at my poems (links on the right sidebar). seriously, i was pretty shocked. just the other day i was narrating my poems randomly to seb, i came to realise that i've been depressed for a very long time. gosh, maybe i do need help.

until i seek help, i'm just gonna try to ride off my depression maybe until it kills me or something. seriously, i've been on prozac for a while and that didnt much for me. i know shit happens but sometimes i'd like to have a day when pee happens instead of shit.

hey guys, looks who's back? yeah yeah its me again. not sure if my blogging habits can keep up. i often lose interest and patience when blogging. on top of that, i've started work and shit has been happening in my life at the present moment.

just wanna make a shout out to you guys that i'll TRY to blog as often as most of you lol. also, as you can see, i've revamped the site and major changes have been made. unfortunately, i've yet to get back into the codings and what nots. i cant seem to get the comment thingie to work. i'm pretty much HTML illiterate :P

will keep you guys posted. thanks for your patience :)